Aaawh…baby’s first photos. Yes, it does look like a weird and creepy little alien baby, but this is the first actual view we got of our future son or daughter. At this point s/he is 13 weeks and 5 days old, which indicates that I was already out of my first trimester by the time that we went to see the doctor. Not because I was avoiding the actual appointment, but because Ronny and I were on our grand adventure*, and my Aetna HMO wouldn’t let me see a doctor out of my own medical group ‘unless it was an absolute emergency’. Go figure.
I was so nervous. I mean, before I even knew I was pregnant I had had more than a few cocktails. We were on our trip around the country, for goodness sake! Just try going to Buffalo, Savannah, New Orleans, Austin, Albuquerque, etc. without even having a glass of wine! Of course, when I finally took the pee test…er, THREE pee tests…I immediately stopped drinking. Plus, who knows what effect my daily medication may have had. My anxiety made me absolutely miserable.
I was 100% convinced that the baby would have two heads, or be missing its arms, or, worse of all, missing a heartbeat. It’s normal for a pregnant woman to worry, I know, but I was so freaked out that I flat out didn’t want to see what might be growing inside of me. Ronny kept telling me not to worry, not to put so much bad energy out there, just to have a little freakin’ faith and wait until we see what the doctor says about everything. I, of course, couldn’t relax, so I dug through the Internet and the pregnancy bible ‘What to Expect’, feverishly scanning the pages for evidence of what I may or may not have done to my unborn child. All signs pointed to “don’t worry about it, everything’s fine”, but I drove myself completely insane.
Of course, as it is with any HMO doctor’s office, the lobby was packed. I have never seen so many pregnant women in all of my life! We had to wait like 45 minutes just to go to the exam room, so the anxiety only got worse. I had chosen the one female doctor covered by my insurance, telling myself that if I didn’t like her I’d go through the rigamarole of finding a new doctor. I had read that she had graduated from Harvard, and didn’t find any negative comments about her online, so I figured she might be okay. I was surprised, when she came into the exam room, that my doctor looked younger than me. She was adorable, soft-spoken, and patient with all of my questions. My mom had convinced me, and almost convinced my husband, that I can’t empty the litterbox for fear of toxoplasmosis. But, my doctor, with a straight face replied to my question, “well, as long as you don’t actually eat the feces, you should be okay.”
Then the big moment came. She asked if I had any further questions, and then lubed up the long, scary-looking thing that was apparently going to actually go inside me to get a picture of the baby. She put a condom on it, for some reason…Seriously. I should find a picture of one of these gadgets just in case you’ve never seen one. It was quite intimidating.
But that fear was gone in about 4 seconds, the time it took for her to get it in there and find the fetus. I can’t even explain the way it made me feel to see that there was actually something in there, and that it was actually alive. When we heard the heart beating strong and hard, both Ronny and I teared up a little…although I don’t think he would actually admit it. Seeing the image on the actual ultrasound screen was so much better than these photos; the image was clear and we could actually see the little guy or gal squirming all around. Suddenly, all of my fears were gone and the relief overtook me. We were going to be okay…
*To see the grand adventure, check out my other blog: www.itisnowornever.wordpress.com.