When I first started writing this blog, I started seeing more and more things to write about every day. Now, however, I can’t seem to think of anything to say, so I’ve been procrastinating. If you’ve been paying any attention to my writing for the last week you’re probably bored out of your mind. Well, I shouldn’t say that. I did post some priceless pics of Ronny, Mom and Dad loving my belly. The truth is, I can’t think of anything monumental to say, and nothing very exciting is happening with the pregnancy.

The baby continues to move around a lot, which is awesome. My back continues to hurt, which is not so awesome. I’m still having a ridiculously difficult time sitting up, which is probably fine because I’m supposed to roll over and push myself up rather than use my abs like I normally would. I’m still moody and unsatisfied, and I’m still too lazy to get any exercise. I did manage to make some killer oatmeal/chocolate/butterscotch cookies today, but to my dismay I no longer craved them once they were done. They’re pretty friggin’ good, though!

I’ve started reading the workbook that our Childbirth Prep teacher gave us: The Gift of Motherhood: Your Personal Journey Through Prepared Childbirth. I’m about a third of the way through the book and already freaking out, wondering if I’m capable of such a huge feat. It just looks so painful! So amazing and worth it, I hear, but seriously, I’m terrified of the actual pain. But when it comes to the epidural or no epidural question, I really want to stick with the latter. I’ve always been a glutton for punishment, I guess, so it leads me to want to really experience the birth, regardless of the pain. I suppose part of it could be the desire to be stoical, if I’m really honest with myself, although I wish that weren’t the case. But the main thing is that I’m really curious to know what it’s like, and to know if my own body and mind are capable. Women have been doing this for tens of thousands of years, so why should I be scared? I don’t know, but I am. I’m very scared. I guess that’s part of why we’re taking the classes, though. To  try to assuage some of this fear. Ronny’s taking the class to try to figure out what the heck he’s supposed to do, how he can be supportive, and what his role is. Bless his heart; he’s actually started reading the workbook, which, if you know him, you’ll know is practically a miracle. The man doesn’t read, so when I came home yesterday and he had the book open in his lap I almost fell over in shock. He was watching Aladdin, though, which is very normal for him, and he said he was reading during the commercials, so I knew I wasn’t hallucinating.

The baby must be getting big, now, because I’m starting to feel all kinds of pokes and nudges all over my tummy. It’s no longer just in the lower front where I know my uterus has always been. Now it’s over in my sides, up almost in my ribcage, and all around my belly button. I’ll feel movement in two distinct locations at the same time, on diagonally opposite sides of my belly. Even as I sit here and type I feel little roly-poly movements. It’s just so weird to think that there’s actually a little person in there whom I will meet in about 2 1/2 months. It’s hard to believe that tomorrow (I think) marks 29 weeks. 29 weeks!

That means only 11 weeks or so until this baby is here. 11 weeks until go time when I find out whether or not I’m capable of giving birth, and the beginning of when I’ll begin to know whether or not I’ll be a good mother. I’m more afraid of that than anything; the birth should be over in a matter of hours, but my potential failure as a mother will probably be something I worry about for the rest of my life. The one thing that really reassures me, though, is that I have such a good example to follow. My own mother did such an amazing job raising me…I can only hope to be a fraction of the mother that she is.


2 thoughts on “Procrastinating

  1. You will be a fabulous mother. I would be more worried about the ones who think, “Eh. I got this covered.” My therapist said something wonderful that I actually made into a little wall plaque once, “Learning is part of mothering.” We WILL mess up, but it’s okay because we will learn. Babies/kids are more resilient than us mothers often give them credit for.

    As far as the childbirth goes, I totally hear you. The classes actually made my fear worse. I would have been much better coming up with some kind of childbirth plan and then just pushing it out of my mind until the day came. I almost had an emergency C-section, but then it became just a ‘typical’ C-section. Not what I had planned on, but I was okay with it. I know lots of women who still carry resentment that the childbirth wasn’t what they planned. My main advice would be to be flexible and kind to yourself. If you choose no epidural now, but change your mind in the delivery room – no guilt! A new mother can drown in too much self-induced guilt and it doesn’t need to start the second they arrive!

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