Beautiful Nails

I went to get a much needed mani/pedi yesterday. The little place that I go is right down at the end of my street. It’s really basic and there just two ladies work there, both always speaking Vietnamese, I think. One thing that really trips me out is that the one who does the manicures always has a little bluetooth on her ear. It’s on throughout the entire manicure, and because it was on during my entire previous manicure, I can only assume that this is a regular habit of hers. It does not sound like she’s on a phone call. In fact, she very rarely even says anything. Just an occasional chuckle or small comment. She speaks so seldom that I assumed the thing on her ear wasn’t even turned on. I assumed she just talked to herself. But then when she does say something, she says it really quiet and under her breath. Half Vietnamese, half English. It’ll be quiet, quiet, quiet, then she’ll say, “Oh, you know, he do nothing wrong. (Insert strand of Vietnamese syllables here.) He just die.” Quiet, quiet, quiet. Then I’ll hear some sort of banging or something coming from her ear piece and she’ll titter quietly. “You want me clean eyebrows up?” she says without looking up, and I’m not sure if she’s talking to me or the phone. Then she does look up and points to my face and says, “You need cleanup.” Weird.

So I asked her what the heck was going on. Apparently this gal leaves all of her kids at home. I didn’t ask how many, but for some reason I assume she has six. She just leaves them at home with the speaker phone on in the kitchen and she listens to them all…day…long while she does nails and waxing. They do their homework, they watch TV, they talk to each other, and occasionally they make her laugh or ask her a question.

I assume she has unlimited minutes.

The other thing I don’t get is this. What’s the point of the hand models and the posters in the little nail salons? I assume that they’re there so you can see just how beautiful your hands could be with a little manicurely love. But look at this. Seriously, what gives?

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Are they trying to say that they can put colorful claws on corpses? Because a few of those hands look like they’ve come from chilly cadavers that have been hit by cars. And what’s with the hook nails? I don’t understand this phenomena, but what I do know is that nearly every salon I ever go to has the same ridiculous display. And yes, I do in fact only go to the cheap little Asian “salons”. I can’t bear the thought of paying $40 for a manicure. Plus, as you can see in the photo above, this place also sells Cheetos and Doritos.

But here’s what really made me laugh. They always have these cheesy, soft-focus posters with “beautiful” long fingernails on 80s-esque hand models. It’s usually hands gently holding a long-stemmed rose as red as the shellac on the inch-long fingernails, or sometimes it’s long “beautiful” hands lying across a piano. This one that I saw yesterday, though, REALLY took the cake. I mean, fo’ rizzle?

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First of all, I would say that these hands look pretty rubbery and non-functional, but say you’re in a situation where you actually need to use your machine gun. Do you think that you’d really have the time to get that gat situated in your beautiful hands? How would you get those talons into the little hole to pull the trigger? And what happens if you run out of bullets and need to re-load? I assume the nails are strong enough that they won’t break, but they just seem so inconvenient. And if you’re going to be shooting a gun like that, wouldn’t you at least want a camouflage pattern on the nails? I’d be willing to bet that’s a possibility.

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